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I Wish I Weren’t So Stubborn

If I weren’t so stubborn, I’d have given up on this place ages ago.  I always say, “That’s it! I QUIT!” but then I never have the strength to give up.  It seems like I have it backwards.  Shouldn’t it be harder to keep working, keep pressing forward, keep hoping?  I just can’t stop myself.

“I hate the blog. I hate this whole thing.”  Those were my exact words to Jake last night. He looked at me and laughed. Jeffrey says, “Then stop and do what makes you happy.” I haven’t been writing much; I haven’t been cooking much; I haven’t been gardening much.  In fact, I haven’t been doing much of anything.  I’ve gotta find inspiration SOMEWHERE, right?

Jeffrey and I finally agreed that we HAVE to stop and take a break and spend some time together so we’re heading to Hawaii for a week.  In the nearly 4 years we’ve been married, we’ve been apart for the majority of the time.  Realistically, we’ve never been together more than 3 weeks without being interrupted by travel.  That’s crazy.  The last year has been especially difficult with the downturn in the economy and the insane stress that that brought him, and on top of that, adjusting to life in a different state, adjusting to life as parents, and adjusting to living in the country after Hollywood.

Throughout all the craziness of the last few years, the over-achiever in me has never taken the time to “just be.”  Pema Chodron, a Buddhist monk whose teachings have influenced the Papen household pretty strongly, has a mantra of “just sit.”  I have a hard time with that one  – but when I actually do “just sit” in those moments I find some sort of peace.  Of course, as soon as I stop repeating the mantra, I’m a crazy woman again.

It’s definitely a personality trait that when things get uncomfortable, I try to distract myself with busyness.  I’m going through a transitional phase, and I don’t like it. I don’t like that I’m not my usual chipper self.  I don’t like that my creativity has come to a screeching halt. I don’t like that finding the joy in things is like trying to find a discarded diamond earring in a landfill.  The constant busyness has worn me down, and now I’m struggling to keep my head above water………………which I WILL DO!!!!!!!!

Anyway, some of you have emailed me to say you’re worried about me.  Some of you have called to tell me that you’re there for me. Still others of you have found ways to express your support in whatever way you can.  Thank you so much.  I WILL get through this (whatever “this” is), and I promise, I’ll remember each little expression of love and encouragement.

For now…here are the photos I’ve taken over the last few days.  I hardly picked up the camera this week, so pardon the lack of variety.

Ellie's new play area. I've been wanting to do this for ages...



She was hamming it up for the camera

What do you want from me?!?!?

Be Pleasant????? This is all you get!

So many memories with these two

Insanely delicious stuffed steak (jalepeno/queso fresco filling)

Check out the odd spider web...it's like his silk maker broke

The Fennel was giving us a hell of a hard time

Developing Cabbage head

Our first tiny tiny artichoke. This artichoke plant I grew from seed. One of the very few things that actually made it through this year's ridiculous weather


One Comments to “I Wish I Weren’t So Stubborn”

  1. Melissa, thank God for your stubbornness, and your many gifts and talents. It’s hard to juggle them all in the air at the same time.
    Taking time with your Jeffrey is the best idea yet!!
    He is your most ardent admirer after all, and you both need to zero in on each other.An investment in one on one time yields the most benefits.
    This is not a time out for Melissa, but a time in, a love in??
    Have fun you two.
    Mary xoxo

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