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I have hope.


Sometimes strength comes from the most unexpected of places.  The last few months have presented me with emotional challenges that have felt as if they were simply too enormous for me to overcome.  My spirit has felt depleted; my vibrancy, exhausted; my passion for life, dissipated.  I haven’t been able to find myself, haven’t been able to find purpose; seemed unable to find strength.  I have felt as if I was drowning in sadness, in hopelessness, in defeat. No longer even hoping for a way out, I surrendered to the despondency – throwing my hands in the air and just giving up.  I have just been too damn tired to even search for hope, let alone fight for it.

I have HATED feeling this way.

The constant negativity has eaten away at my soul, my happiness, my ability to see anything other than what is going wrong – which has been more than a few things. Several days ago, I found myself frustrated, sad, and hopeless. I called a very dear, close, old friend – spilling out all of my weakness and vulnerability until out came: “The worst part is that I’ve lost myself.”  I don’t really remember what else was said, but throughout the remainder of the day my words echoed through my head.

“I’ve lost myself.”

As I thought about that statement, I wondered how much of that has been true.  Did I lose myself to the stress of adulthood? Has my bubbly personality and optimistic belief in personal growth been destroyed? Am I from here on out one of those “negative” people who I never understood?

Throughout my life I have always held to the belief that when things are low and circumstances awful, the only thing I have control over is my reaction – my response to challenges.  I thought about certain people I’ve known who have been in a constant state of negativity, which has always seemed to breed MORE. In the past, I believed in opening myself up to new opportunities, discarding the negative experiences, and nurturing the positive.

Then it hit me.  I have lost myself because I’ve let go of what I believe in; I let go of what I trusted and had proven true; I had let everything around me chip away at the very source of my strength.  I’m not saying that I’m suddenly all better.  I’m saying that suddenly I remember who I am.

No matter what is going on around me, I can hold on to my own personal ability to see the light – to see the positive  – to see the way through.  I’m done letting the negativity around me hold me back and keep me from being who I am.  I can overcome it.  I will overcome it.  I will show my daughter what it means to stand with the grace and poise that comes from a dulcet strength only found in the heart of a confident, complete, and positive woman.  I will show myself that I am not lost, I’ve only diverged from my track.

Let’s get back to it – and FAST!

I’m definitely not through the woods, and I certainly will be needing some reminding of my goals from my good friends, but at least I see a fragment of who I am.  I’m not gone. I just need to put myself back together.

Wish me luck; send me love; and expect great things from me!







3 Comments to “I have hope.”

  1. I know we both respect her work, so I will say that P. Chodron is the one that helped me really grasp that my life is just going to continually be cycle after cycle- and it’s my “job”, so to speak, to recognize that things continually change, but even in that change, I can hold my calm center. The idea of being the same calm whether happy or sad is so contrary to me! I hope you can be encouraged to remember to just think of the cycles as temporary, and that it will all change soon. ^_^

  2. I wish you luck; I send you love; I continue to look forward to the continued privilege of witnessing all that you contribute to this world; and I thank you for the blessing of your beautiful words and photos…that first crocus just about took my breath away.

  3. Great color on the crocus – blue shadows, white light, very intense. 🙂

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