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Postpartum Depression

I think I’m going through a bit of postpartum depression. I know, I know, Ellie Graye is already turning two. I don’t mean postpartum from HER birth – I mean postpartum from the creative process. Jake and I invested a lot of creative energy in making my Oprah audition, and now that it’s over, there’s a bit of resettling that always seems to come after a big creative “push.” Am I disappointed I didn’t make it even to the semi-finals? Of course. Am I surprised? No.

Boots, Roots, and Sundresses from Deer Park Farms on Vimeo.

I think I spent too much time in Hollywood watching extremely talented people struggle, work exceptionally hard, and with seemingly no results.  It has only been in the last few years that many of those friends have achieved the goals that they set 8, 10, or 12 years ago.  Their success is all because they kept pushing toward their goals.  The never gave up despite constant rejection, criticism, and often times a lack of support.  They’ve taken the jobs that seemed useless. They’ve worked on shows and movies that didn’t pay enough to pay the rent – yet they kept on trying. I watched and supported, never once thinking that I would someday be in their shoes. It’s like my dear friend Erin Cummings (you’ll see her soon on ABC’s new show Detroit 187) said: “It RARELY happens on the first try. I HOPE you win the lottery [referring to Oprah’s contest], but if you don’t, you’re going to figure out how to make it happen!”  It seems a bit insurmountable right now, but you’d better believe I’m working on figuring all this out.  I just need a little boost to get myself back and recharged.  I’m not sure what that will be yet. For now I’m just going to have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep telling myself that I am the creator of my own destiny.

Meanwhile, I’ve still had house guests the last few days, and a farm to tend to, and a 2 year old running around, and a bit ol’ party to plan. Oh. Yeah. Ellie’s party….6 days left to finish everything.  Hmmm. This should be interesting!  Jake and I will be making our first webisode out of the whole thing, so stay tuned.

The dragonflies are ready to be hung...that's a step!

The house felt pretty empty today after having had Jeffrey’s family here.  Ellie loved having her cousins around, but was so darn exhausted from the weekend.  The child swam and swam and swam and swam, and when it was time to leave the pool, I’d have to take her kicking and screaming under my arm and head inside.  She’s swimming the width of the pool without resting now.  She’ll do a 3 – 4 strokes, then pop her little head up to breath, then put her eyes straight back into the water and keep on.  She’s jumping in alone, swimming back to the stairs, climbing out, and doing it again!  After three days of that, she’s wiped out!  She slept on the way to swim class this morning, and then took a 4 hour nap when we returned.  Then at 7:00 tonight, she was asking to go to bed again.  It’s probably a combination of the exhausting weekend and growing.

Ellie thought this was so cool....

So she tried it herself!


Having picked our first harvest of blueberries, our last harvest of strawberries, and needing to get the walnut liqueur going, tonight I spent time starting some of my infusions.  I really should have been prepping for the party, but this was so much more fun!  I found a recipe for walnut schnapps that I’m going to try – but they say that ideally the stuff needs 5 years.  WHAAAAA? There’s no way in heck that I’m going to wait 5 years to taste it. No way. No how. Maybe one.  🙂

the last Strawberries, the first Blueberries, and some Green Walnuts

My garden is a bit discouraging this year.  The weather has been so impossible with us.  It was too damn cold and wet to really get most of our plants going, and then the store-bought starters that I got just haven’t really come through for me either.  I nearly started crying when I looked down the row of tomatoes and saw this darn little plant trying its darndest to stay alive; it looks like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree!

A lot of things didn’t even sprout, let alone thrive.  My cilantro is weak and stringy.  My endive is almost embarrassing.  My bok choy didn’t get bigger than an inch before it died.  Oh well. I guess that’s part of gardening.  I’ll just have to try again next year!


Kinsey, EG, Cierra, Aunt Melissa

Conner and EG fishing

Conner going off the diving board




Skeet Shooting

I thought she was looking at a stick (she held one up)

But once I got up there, I'm not so sure it was a stick she was holding!!!

The boys fishing off the SMS White Trash


4 Comments to “Postpartum Depression”

  1. Having had the experience in making that most-excellent video, I’d say you’re both winners. Very nicely done in front of and behind the camera. Keep plugging away at whatever your goal is with earnest efforts like that, and eventually you’ll be an overnight success(!)

  2. Melissa,
    You will do great things. Great things come to great people and those who wait. You have such an amazing life and family and I have no doubt that you will get all you deserve!!! Just hang in there and know that you have family and friends who care for you and support you!!
    By the way, my garden and cilantro doesnt’ look any better than yours!! Good luck!!

  3. I know that feeling all too well- it always seems like something should come out of the creative process! It’s okay to feel that way, and I’ve found that sometimes it will inspire future endeavors! 🙂

  4. As Matt said, “She’s too good for them. They were probably looking for a barely developed concept, and Melissa basically gave them episode 1.” Who knows but that their micromanagement would have stifled your creative process completely. With the energy and determination and talents that you have, it can only be a matter of time until the right door opens. And all of us who love you will sure enjoy continuing to witness your journey…

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