For years now, I’ve avoided doing this: sitting, legs crossed, computer in my lap and….writing…
Writing HERE….on Deer Park Farms….the place I used to come to spill and release and create and express. The place that for so many years provided me with joy and fulfillment, and gave me a light even in incredibly dark times. In this virtual space, I felt as if I had SOMETHING: something of worth, something that was meaningful.
When I left the farm, I thought I had lost all of this – I didn’t live there anymore; I couldn’t write about a farm when I lived in the city. For crying out loud, I didn’t even have a window herb garden – how could I write about making onion soup from freshly harvested spring onions??? What possibly did I have to write about? And with what authority? I left the DPF blog because I felt I had no right to write. I avoided DPF, tried to start new things (including The Martha ScrewIt Way). I tried to reinvent myself. I tried and tried and tried. But nothing stuck. My journey from city to country was over. It no longer was my life. It was no longer ME. I no longer had what DPF was.
Or so I thought.
But then this morning in that half-lucid moment between solid sleep and the slowly dawning grounding of awake, a thought danced across the front of my head:
What if DPF is actually ME.
What if all of these ramblings and recipes and projects and stories really have nothing to do with that ridiculously amazing, beautiful plot of land out in Wilsonville that someone else now owns. What if this collection of expressions isn’t dependent on the place. What if I simply take ownership of it, of its virtual place in the cloud? What if I just say, “So what if I don’t live there anymore???” What if I commandeer the space that DPF held, and instead of attaching its worth to the place where it was written, I reassign its value to the heart-property from out of which it came. Deer Park Farms can become my own – physical address attached to it or not. Because, in reality, this blog was never truly about a farm – it was about living life…it was about doing whatever it is I can with whatever it is I have.
So today, I’m going to try again. I’m going to follow my own damn advice and DO IT. It’s gonna take some work and discipline and re-establishing of habits, but I’m gonna give it a shot…because I no longer am comfortable handing over my value and creativity and passion to an idea of how things were supposed to be. All of this shit here came from my heart, not from an address…
So let’s do this, shall we?